Hiatus Interuptus

OOooohhh the holidays! Such a special time! Now that they’re done, it’s time to clean house, take inventory of the blessings of the season, and schedule a double session with a therapist. Here’s the wrap up (no pun intended, wanted, or avoidable)! I engaged in all my personal favorite holiday traditions: I drank low-fat eggnog. I love that stuff. Loveitloveitloveit. I caught the Charlie Brown Christmas special. I bought some mixed nuts, spread out some newspaper on the floor, and cracked ‘em. Personal favorite: Brazil nuts. Super yummy. Least favorite: walnuts. They leave that weird dry feeling in your mouth. I watched “It’s a Wonderful Life.” I cried promptly, on cue, when George Bailey read the inside of Clarence’s copy of Tom Sawyer. I bought a Hallmark Keepsake Ornament. I spent an inordinate amount of time giving a rip about the grades I still don’t have even though I said I wouldn’t. Good times. Good times.

Then there are the not so traditional things that happened.
Top Ten Really Jacked-Up Things That Happened to Me Over My Christmas Vacation
10. I had a pelican almost hit my car while I was driving up I-65 in Montgomery.
9. I went five consecutive days without internet access.
8. I watched a convenience store clerk stutter sharply while studying my face to see if it was ok to wish me a “Merry Christmas.”
7. I had a “Bama Fever/Tiger Pride” employee at the Eastdale Mall in Montgomery, Alabama almost refuse to exchange sizes on two T-Shirts (his and hers matching, of course) because I walked into the store with the shirts WITHOUT having first placed the shirts “in a bag. I mean, how do I know you didn’t just walk in and pick them up?” Well, let’s see. That can mean one of two things. That harpy little retail shrew either thinks I’m so stupid that I shoplift the wrong size OR that plastic bags can magically keep me from walking in with an empty bag only to throw merchandise (of the wrong size) in the bag in an effort to inefficiently shoplift $42 in merchandise. Right. Oh, I got your magic bag. I got it right here, sister.
6. I attended a backyard bonfire/cookout/wake in honor of the next door neighbors’ cat.
5. Did some Christmas shopping with the top down!
4. Ran into a guy I went to college with over 10 years ago. Where? Starbucks. Is there anything that magical brew can’t do?
3. “Enjoyed” a conversation with my uncle at a family Christmas gathering in which he professed that in-house counsel at his place of employ had told him that he’d learned so much about the law through his experiences in drafting contracts that my uncle could probably pass the bar without the nuisance of going to law school, you know, if the state would allow it.
2. Received not one BUT TWO DVD copies of “It’s a Wonderful Life” to replace my tired VHS copy. Ok, I took one back for a gift card at Wal-Mart.
1. I made a few New Year’s Resolutions!

My Top Ten Amended New Year’s Resolutions!
10. I’m going to lose 20 pounds in the British lottery.
9. I’m going to stop smoking my tires in the law school parking lot.
8. Every morning, I’m going to jog my memory.
7. I’m going to start working out how to pay off my student loans before I die.
6. I’m going learn to love salad toppings on my hamburgers.
5. I’m going to start waking up earlier on days when classes start earlier.
4. I’m going to stop procrastinating about 6 hours before each project is done.
3. I’m going to volunteer my time to help children shut the &$#* up in public places.
2. I’m going to cut down on coffee that I have to pour out because I let it get cold before I can drink all its inky blackness into my waiting soul.
1. I’m going to study harder than people who don’t study as hard as me.