Half Time Report

Exams are done. I’m in Mobile. Wife is at work. I’ve skewered a few olives. And I can almost see in color again, but I think I can put a stop to that, too. I’ve given myself permission to not give a rip about the grades until January 4th, which is my professors’ deadline to turn in their grade reports to the registrar. Short of some ill-deserved Divine intervention, there’s nothing I can do to change the outcome of my semester’s gradable efforts. Super. So, I’m now officially half way through with my law school experience, which makes us like the “J” in “J.D.” Looking at it from the other end, that means I’m only three semesters away from having to pass the bar and take a real job that doesn’t give me three weeks of Christmas vacation. Hmm. Those exams are suddenly sounding like a smallish price to pay.

Anyway, I think I may have promised a couple or three lists? Right. Here goes.

Top Ten Gift Ideas from Mike for under $20
10. Starbucks gift card for $19.99!
9. USB thumbdrive preloaded with family pictures, recipes, and ransom notes
8. (For my law-dog buddies) Offer a free night of holiday designated driving for the turd in your family who is most likely to ask you to defend them in their second DUI case.
7. Offer valet parking at your holiday party which surprises your loved one with half a tank of gas (I mean, we are trying to get in UNDER $20).
6. Buy your loved one a used Hummer H2! I mean, resale on those lumbering petrol-disposal units is like, what? $14? $15 bucks, max?
5. See item #6, substitute “Chevy Suburban” or “Ford Expedition V10” for “H2”
4. A matching set of 12 pack double rolls of the nice toilet paper! Hey, they’ll either use it and be grateful, or least have a largely harmless means at hand for showing their displeasure on your front lawn!
3. Find out what your smart@$$ brother/sister is getting the person in question, and buy $20 in batteries to go with it. Timing is everything with this gift!
2. “I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time!”
1. Whatever piece of crap plastic toy was all the rage last year that no one could get but is sitting idly on the shelves this year under the curse of not being an XBOX 360.

Top Ten Gift Ideas FOR Mike for under $20
10. A Starbucks gift card for $19.90
9. A Starbucks gift card for $19.91
8. A Starbucks gift card for $19.92
7. A Starbucks gift card for $19.93
6. A Starbucks gift card for $19.94
5. A Starbucks gift card for $19.95
4. A Starbucks gift card for $19.96
3. A Starbucks gift card for $19.97
2. A Starbucks gift card for $19.98
1. A Starbucks gift card for $19.99

How to Spin a Dreidel Without Looking Like a Total Goy
10. Learn the fine art of crafting a perfectly balanced spinning toy out of clay.
9. Master the alef beth (or Hebrew alphabet for all you gentiles out there)
8. Save up some betting gelt for use in the big family dreidel spin
7. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m such a bacon scented gentile, it’s not even funny. I tried some kosher beef jerky once and almost hurled schmutz all over myself. Oy freakin’ vey.
6. Happy Hanukah!