Resident Evils

When I was in college, I had a roommate who was the son of an emotionally unavailable absentee father type. Let’s pretend to protect his dignity and identity by calling him, oh, Peter Pan. Peter collected comic books, decorated his room with Disney posters, VCRed cartoons if classes interfered, and had character oriented bed sheets. He wasn’t gay (that would be my other roommates), just childlike. One of Peter’s prized possessions was an original vinyl recording of the Star Wars Christmas album that included a deeply philosophical tune entitled, “What do you get a Wookie for Christmas when he already owns a comb?” Moving. I am now faced with a similar problem: “What do you get an resident physician for Christmas when she already owns a stethoscope?” Here’s my problem: It’s 3 days until Christmas. She’s on call tonight (which means I can go shopping without her!). BUT she doesn’t wear jewelry (you can’t wear it into surgery). You just DON’T give flowers for Christmas. She loves chocolate, but we are both trying to cut down. Hobbies? You’re kidding, right? Residents don’t get to have hobbies. She eats, sleeps, works, and takes long baths. That’s it. So, If in the next 12-24 hours you have any bright ideas, please, for the love of all that is good and matrimonially preservative, post a comment and help a brother out!

Half Time Report

Exams are done. I’m in Mobile. Wife is at work. I’ve skewered a few olives. And I can almost see in color again, but I think I can put a stop to that, too. I’ve given myself permission to not give a rip about the grades until January 4th, which is my professors’ deadline to turn in their grade reports to the registrar. Short of some ill-deserved Divine intervention, there’s nothing I can do to change the outcome of my semester’s gradable efforts. Super. So, I’m now officially half way through with my law school experience, which makes us like the “J” in “J.D.” Looking at it from the other end, that means I’m only three semesters away from having to pass the bar and take a real job that doesn’t give me three weeks of Christmas vacation. Hmm. Those exams are suddenly sounding like a smallish price to pay.

Anyway, I think I may have promised a couple or three lists? Right. Here goes.

Top Ten Gift Ideas from Mike for under $20
10. Starbucks gift card for $19.99!
9. USB thumbdrive preloaded with family pictures, recipes, and ransom notes
8. (For my law-dog buddies) Offer a free night of holiday designated driving for the turd in your family who is most likely to ask you to defend them in their second DUI case.
7. Offer valet parking at your holiday party which surprises your loved one with half a tank of gas (I mean, we are trying to get in UNDER $20).
6. Buy your loved one a used Hummer H2! I mean, resale on those lumbering petrol-disposal units is like, what? $14? $15 bucks, max?
5. See item #6, substitute “Chevy Suburban” or “Ford Expedition V10” for “H2”
4. A matching set of 12 pack double rolls of the nice toilet paper! Hey, they’ll either use it and be grateful, or least have a largely harmless means at hand for showing their displeasure on your front lawn!
3. Find out what your smart@$$ brother/sister is getting the person in question, and buy $20 in batteries to go with it. Timing is everything with this gift!
2. “I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time!”
1. Whatever piece of crap plastic toy was all the rage last year that no one could get but is sitting idly on the shelves this year under the curse of not being an XBOX 360.

Top Ten Gift Ideas FOR Mike for under $20
10. A Starbucks gift card for $19.90
9. A Starbucks gift card for $19.91
8. A Starbucks gift card for $19.92
7. A Starbucks gift card for $19.93
6. A Starbucks gift card for $19.94
5. A Starbucks gift card for $19.95
4. A Starbucks gift card for $19.96
3. A Starbucks gift card for $19.97
2. A Starbucks gift card for $19.98
1. A Starbucks gift card for $19.99

How to Spin a Dreidel Without Looking Like a Total Goy
10. Learn the fine art of crafting a perfectly balanced spinning toy out of clay.
9. Master the alef beth (or Hebrew alphabet for all you gentiles out there)
8. Save up some betting gelt for use in the big family dreidel spin
7. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m such a bacon scented gentile, it’s not even funny. I tried some kosher beef jerky once and almost hurled schmutz all over myself. Oy freakin’ vey.
6. Happy Hanukah!

Coming Soon!

I’m a little concerned. I was studying today for my secured transactions exam scheduled for this Saturday when I decided to take a much needed procrastination break. In doing so, I have been presented with information which gives me a reasonable basis to believe that (1) the apocalypse will be really soon and (2) quite welcome, actually. First, Coca-Cola announced today that they will be producing a coffee infused version of their Coke Classic beverage sometime next year called (I'm not making this up) Coca-Cola Blak. Hearing the hoof beats yet? Mmm? Right. I love coffee as much and likely more than the next guy, but seriously, I think this sort of thing is clearly in contravention of Levitical law and general human decency. Next, today in a unanimous decision penned by outgoing Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, the Court decided that is was legal for the government to tap Social Security benefits to recoup grossly delinquent student loan debts, even those that haven’t been touched in over 10 years! “Even so, come Lord Jesus, Come!” Considering the debt which I, my wife, and my colleagues currently have in return for our admission tickets to the careers which Willie Nelson advised mommas were acceptable choices, we may well be retired before our debts are! Hey, Jesus! Seriously, any time you’re ready!