Sybil Procedure

Toward the end of Civil Procedure this Spring, I had pretty much mentally checked out. Which is to say, there were days I would rather have listened to a live performance from a choir made exclusively and exhaustively of all my high school ex-girlfriends singing 50 minutes of Barry Manilo's Greatest Hits rather than drink the requisite amount of Caffe Verona necessary to maintain consciousness and skirt the coasts of apathy which shoal the sea of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure. Professor/Asst. Dean/Corky Strickland moved slowly and predictably, and my classmates seemed inexplicably determined to comment only on substantive rather than procedural matters. Normally in law school, that would be a good thing. Unless of course you are in a course called Civil PROCEDURE, rather than, say, Civil SUBSTANTIVE MATTERS!!!! But since when do we expect lawyers (or even lawyers-to-be) to act in a reasonable and prudent manner? I was watching the big meeting scene in “The Godfather” yesterday and heard one of the bosses say, “We are all reasonable men; we don’t need assurances as if we were lawyers.” Before I could even be offended, I smiled and agreed.

Anyway, while I was enduring Civ Pro one beautiful April morning, I wrote the following song. I think we were arguing over summary judgment on a wrongful death case where there was NO substantive evidence to support the claim of an accident on a rail yard. The bleeding-heart-liberal-punitive-damages-loving-ambulance-chasing-pocket-lining-in-the-name-of-“justice” types in the class were whining about how they thought the case should still go to the jury even though there was no way a jury could find fault for the railway, unless of course each juror stood to pillage a hefty percentage of the money judgment such as the plaintiff’s counsel was likely to take. Right, so anyway, I was cleaning up my notes tonight and thought I would share my song with you, in case you are asked to sing a number while sitting around the camp fire at your firm’s summer retreat on Fourth of July Weekend. You remember the Fourth of July, right? That’s the day we celebrate the birth of our country where you can be deprived of your private property if a jury finds that you are more than likely (51%) although not almost certainly responsible for the intangible, immeasurable, unsubstantiated soft tissue pain and suffering of people who are tired of playing the lottery and/or having working brake lights. I have GOT to switch to decaf.

Enjoy.

Ode to Plaintiff’s Counsel
(with apologies to Jimmy Buffett)

I really do appreciate the fact you’re sitting here
Your claim sounds recoverable, though the fault ain’t all that clear
So let’s sign the retainer; I’ll recover for you
Honey, why don’t we get drunk and SUE

Chorus 1
Why don’t we get drunk and sue
I feel “values-neutral” about the companies I screw
You say your neck is hurting, and I doubt that it’s true,
But, why don’t we get drunk and sue

Chorus 2
Why don’t we get drunk and sue
I work on contingency, the percentage is 42!
Contributory negligence won’t apply to you:
So, why don’t we get drunk and sue?!